No words can describe...

Thanks Modie for sending this to me.

There IS a Jesus

Call me a fuckface for thinking this is funny, but I seriously have a major case of the lols.

OMG stop flying

People constantly ridicule me for being such a pansy when it comes to flying in an airplane. I can't even look at an airplane without getting nervous unless I've pumped copious amounts of alcohol and/or mood stabilizers into my blood system. But then things like this happen and people realize I'm not a complete crazy person. I swear to god I'm never going to get on another plane for the rest of my life.

Everyone take a walk in a park, slow the fuck down and avoid all kinds of man made machines, especially ones that go faster than 5 miles an hour. I'm taking the day off and am hiding under the covers until this bitch of a Friday the 13th is over. Mommy I'm scared.

An open letter to the snow

Dear Snow,

Suck a fat, green dick.

Thanks,

-David

I could not be more over this shit. I guess the only good to come out of it is the fact that I get to wear my silly gloves. You know, the kind with the cut out fingers/mitten pull-over covers so you can switch it up when you please. It's easy-access at it's finest.

Speaking of easy-access, I was at my physical therapists the other day and he made me strip down to my pink and red-hearted boxers. He puts me in the most awkward positions; positions that definitely do not feel normal if one of you is clothed. Anyway, as he was folding my leg over my chest with my other leg raised high in the air, my junk totally fell out of my boxers in plain view of the doc. I made a really awkward noise, turned red, and then did my best to close up shop. He was thankfully very professional about it, but in a way I was really hoping if I showed him mine he would show me his. He's totally my type; 34, scruffy, stocky, latino. Whatevs, he has my number if he wants to give me a call.

In other news, happy Bush-free America! Now when I read quotes from our president I won't curse like I have tourettes anymore, people were really starting to get concerned. I just couldn't put up with the pure horseshit that came out of GW's mouth. The man has forever tainted the way it feels to be a Texan - now I am ashamed and scared of Texas. On a serious note, I really hope Obama doesn't get assassinated. It would seriously ruin the next four years.

Well... here's to hoping we all get laid this week! HAPPY MONDAY!

Craigslist

Today's lesson of the day is... beware of the wrath of Craigslist. Yes it's convenient, simple to use and when you're really desperate, sometimes it's your only option. Often times though, you end up getting screwed in the booty and not in a good way. Somebody hold me, because I am feeling very raped by CL.

If you're looking for a roommate on CL, make sure during your interview that you cover the important bases:

~are you in a codependent relationship? (chances are if they bring their significant other and/or are text messaging throughout the entire interview, the answer is yes)
~does your significant other bang on your bedroom window at 4AM because you have ignored his phone calls and he is wasted, trying to get your attention?
~does your significant other occasionally meet strippers in bars and bring them to your apartment so they can do drugs?
~do you wake up at 2PM and then spend the majority of the day drinking beer with your significant other while taking up the entire living room area and watching horrible reality TV?
~do you smoke inside even when you live in a house with non-smokers?
~do you ever clean?
~do you sometimes listen to really loud music/TV at 3AM when you are wasted?
~do you have an obnoxious ass cat who pisses on bath mats, rugs, and random clothing items left on the bedroom floor?
~do you set off fire alarms every single time you attempt to cook something, especially at 3AM?

My current roommate does all of the above and it absolutely floors me. Usually you find a roommate who has 1 or 2 irritating habits; you've truly found a rare gem if they embody all of the qualities above. And I thought I was being selective by telling her that I wanted a laid-back roommate who doesn't freak out about anything. Which, by the way, she does, she's emotionally very high-maintenance and has already cried in front of me 4 times in the past month.

Beware of CL and it's seemingly convenient appeal. You may be kicking yourself in the ass a few weeks down the line!

HGOTM forJan 5th

Attention all spank-banks of America: write this hoes name down. Anthony Gallo is one hot piece of pure sex. MMHHMM! I heeeeeard that! I don't know what he does, acting, modeling, etc. and I honestly don't care. Sometimes in pictures his mouth looks like he's making baby gurgle noises but at this stage in my desperation I could give two shits.

Social Median, Twitter, and the Antichrist

Technology is getting freakish. I know people were saying the same thing when calculators and vibrating dildos came along, but seriously the shit that is coming out on the web is beginning to make me think the Antichrist is about to return.

I have a friend who recently paired up with the guy who started up SocialMedian.com and I am totes bewildered. I have an account but I have no idea what the fuck to do with it. Apparently you can get your news filtered through your "networks" but I don't really have any networks online. If the news doesn't come to me by way of DListed, Perez, Xtube, or a drunken Access Hollywood viewing, I'm not going to get it. Sorry world news, I'm too drunk and depressed right now to care about you.

I also got a Twitter account which is basically like notifying people every time you take a shit. Seriously, you can text message Twitter and let them know each and every time you sneeze, shit, barf, individually or all at the same time. Trust me when I say I will be updating everyone if that happens.

Other then that I'm really just trying to drink this winter away. It was going really good until that snow storm hit a few weeks ago and now everytime I step outside, my testicles crawl up into my intestinal tract. I just want to bitch-slap the cold! I did not move to Portland to freeze my nuts off! Speaking of things shriveling up and getting tinier, La Pequena has blessed us with a brand new video! La Pequena Britney Spears! Enjoy the link below...

VH1 saves the day!

Now that we have a remote control I've started watching a little TV here and there and each time it happens I can feel a part of my soul dying. With the never-ending commercials, and empty, mindless reality TV stars, I have almost completely lost all hope in my generation. Thankfully, some genius at VH1 thought it would be sweet to film a show where fratty-tooly-tards get a good, wet dick slapping in each episode! VH1's Tool Academy might actually give me a new reason to live! Here is the premise of the show:

"The guys, all secretly nominated by their girlfriends, initially believe they are taking part in a competition in search of “Mr. Awesome.” But the tables are turned almost immediately and they quickly learn that they are actually recruits in the Tool Academy, where they will be schooled in proper boyfriend behavior—covering topics like honesty, fidelity, maturity, and communication with resident relationship counselor Trina Dolenz. Each week the guy who shows the least progress in the group is deemed a hopeless tool and dismissed from the academy. But there’s a twist: he must then plead his case before his girlfriend, who decides on the spot if she wants to keep him or kick him to the curb. In the end, only one man will be rewarded for his transformation with a $100,000 cash prize and the title of “Mr. Awesome.”"

FUCK ME SIDEWAYS! The picture above really sends me into douche overload and the only way to remedy that is by watching this show. Each tool in the picture looks like someone queefed them into existence and then instantly sent them into the nearest Structure. Poor toolies! Tune in January 11th 10/9c.

2008: A year in movies

This year was a huge snore in movie-land. Their were a few goodies to float you into 2009 but they were so few and far between. I've compiled a list of my top favorites in descending order (and this is obviously American mainstream film, as I'm not fucking "awesome" enough to visit Sundance, or Cannes, or SXSW for that matter. By awesome clearly you know I mean rich and important):

1. Wall-E
2. The Dark Knight
3. Hellboy II
4. Iron Man
5. Man on Wire

Wall-E seriously had me giggling like an obese toddler. I think it may have even creeped up into my all-time favorite top 20 list?

I hung out with a new friend of mine last night that ended up turning into a really awkward date and we discussed this list. He told me he didn't like animated movies and most comic-book based movies so he completely disagreed with my list. After he told me that I started chugging beers left and right until I could barely see his face anymore. I also think I said something along the lines of, "Wall-E was cuter than you could ever be." Which is hilarious because he actually is adorable. It turns out I have trouble talking to the pretty ones.

Oh well. Here's to hoping 2009 introduces more happy movies into our lives, as I'm sure I will be spending the majority of my free time in theaters getting wasted.

Cheers.

Rick W. volume II

Rick Warren just wants a piece

What happened last time we had an outrageously anti-gay pastor? Does anyone remember Ted Haggard? Rick Warren better watch that ass before he ends up with a meth-head boyfriend sucking dick in a back alley. Cuz you know the ones who mind the most are always knee-deep in it. The fag behind the curtain had this to say in a recent interview:

"RICK WARREN: But the issue to me is, I’m not opposed to that as much as I’m opposed to the redefinition of a 5,000-year definition of marriage. I’m opposed to having a brother and sister be together and call that marriage. I’m opposed to an older guy marrying a child and calling that a marriage. I’m opposed to one guy having multiple wives and calling that marriage.
STEVEN WALDMAN: Do you think, though, that they are equivalent to having gays getting married?
RICK WARREN: Oh I do. …"

You know, this reminds me... some bitch gave me his book, A Purpose Driven Life when I was in college, and I had just come out of the closet - I feel like it was a last ditch attempt on her part to save me from myself. I tried to read it too, but my eyes glazed over and I started having seizures a quarter of the way in. He used lots of buzz words like, "the light", "the one", "salvation", and always capitalized the word "He" and "Him". That shit is so cultish if you ask me - it's subtle brainwashing! I eventionally ended up giving the book to my coworker because I hated her and knew she would pick it up like the bible and go to town with it. And by town I mean psycho bitch town.

Obama has decided to play a prank on all of us gays by inviting Rick Warren to his inaguration in January. Really, Obama? Already you're surrounding yourself with mongoloids? If you ask me he needs better staff who will bitch slap him when he comes up with ideas like this. I'd happily spend the next four years bitch slapping Obama whenever he starts thinking about dumb shit. If someone would have had that job when Bush was president (he's been dead to me for years so I don't count him as president anymore) that guy wouldn't have skin on his hands anymore after all the slapping. He'd eventually just be slapping Bush with a bloody stump or creepy skeletor fingers. Bush needs a good slapping 10 times an hour!

Rick Warren says horribly ignorant, homophobic shit that we need to hold him accountable for. In 10 years when gay marriage is legal I'm gonna dedicate my first book to him.

I'm scared

So far my neighborhood has received 15 inches of snow on the ground, and it's all sticking. I am from Texas so this shit is worse than nuclear fallout to me! And think of when it all melts we're all going to float down SE Powell in a wave of garbage sacks, McDonalds cups, and homeless people. I did not sign up for this!

I ended up coming into work this morning and there are seriously 2 people in this building - I am one of them. Next thing I know, Beth Ditto is going to come out from her snowy cave and take a monsterous poop on me.

On the bright side, I haven't had a ciggarette in 4 days due to the general suckage outside. If this keeps up I'll be ciggie-free by Spring!

OMG!!

Below you will find a video of the only thing that will be comforting me this Christmas. Everyone I know in this city is leaving to go home for the Holidays so I thought I would find things to comfort me other than beer... thank you sleepy sloth.

Bizzle, Sizzle and Crizzle

Those will be the names of my adopted children.

It's early and it's snowing. If you haven't looked up Portland weather for the coming weekend, let me give you the abridged version: "Fuck this!" It's supposed to be the worst snow storm the northwest has seen in the past 10 years or something. Booo!

If you want to find me you will probably have to actually come to my house and bring me more beer (I feel like the 4 forties in my fridge won't be enough), otherwise I will have no motivation to come out from my krunkle cave.

Celebrity crush of the week

You may remember Alan Thicke as the super Canadian father-figure in Growing Pains. Well, daddy actually helped create one of sexiest bitches to walk this earth. His name is Robin Thicke, and you've probably heard his song, Lost Without You on the radio, but the song really doesn't compare to the remainder of his album. Plus, he's just a sexy beast with a beautiful voice. I mean, sometimes he gets his Justin Timberlake on with the high pitched screaching which makes me want to vomit a little bit, but for a Michael Jackson wanna-be he's actually quite talented. I also kind of get the sense that he is a vain bastard, as indicated by the picture. And for all these reasons, he is my Celebrity Crush of the Week.

Think of it as your life down-grading

I woke up this morning and the first thought that popped into my brain cell was this delicious picture to the right. Well I mean I wasn't hungry for a picture I was hungry for what's in the picture, obvi. Living next to McDonalds makes your life just a little bit harder than it has to be because you're constantly fighting that fried bread and burger smell. Normally that smell makes me nauseous but the longer I live in my current apartment the harder it is to fight the McDonalds... I officially have the McCrackles!

The second thought that popped into my head this morning was what was going on with my face when I looked in the mirror. I typically shave twice a week but with the help of my new friend, Ambien, things that happen between the hours of 10PM and 10AM remain a mystery. The more Ambien I take, the less I remember how ghetto life is currently... refill please? I honestly can't remember the last time I shaved but I'm guessing by the size of the dead animal that has found it's way to my jawline, it's probably been 9 or 10 days. Thankfully it's winter so I can use the cold as an excuse, when in reality we all know it's because I can't contain my severe case of McCrackles anymore! The McCrackles are shining through!

Happy Friday everyone.

Percocet

Does anybody have any? No really.

Well it's Thursday night again which means my favorite local Karaoke bar is calling my name. I've been practicing a few new tunes, namely Mariah Carey's version of Open Arms. I recommend you check out the video but I have to tell you I've seen it a million times and I still have no idea what the fuck is going on with the hair situation. I will say that in the video she does the best impersonation of a baby lamb having a seizure - I've been studying her hand movement so I can perform it correctly live. I think the secret is lifting a bunch of heavy weights followed by a healthy dose of Percocet to really bring out the Parkinson's arm shakes.

Poor Mariah. I watched her perform live recently for the British version of American Idol or whatever and she looked like she was having a stroke when she realized that she's shrieked her beautiful voice away over the past 15 years. Towards the end of it I think she just resorted to rapping, I could barely watch the poor little lamb.

In other news I have successfully spent 4 hours of my day perfecting my widened-eye facial expression so that every time my supervisor walks through the door he thinks I'm not just sitting at my desk with my thumb up my butt. It works better if you don't blink, move your eyes side to side like you're reading something important while saying "no" to yourself and huffing. Come to think of it that's the exact same thing I do when I'm having sexy times.

...I'm not joking about the percocet.

By the way

I haven't had a non-diary blog ever, so this shit is all new to me. Hopefully it will get better as time progresses but if it doesn't then you can suck on these nuts.

Thanks for your kind attention.

Douchebag awards

My BFF recently sent me in the direction of the hottest shiz to hit the internet since Julie Masking or La Pequena Hilary Clinton. It's a site called Hot Chicks with Douchebags and it really helps me put my life into perspective.

These particular douches above have been nicknamed Oompa Prompa, cuz they are orange as fuck, and unfortunately decided that the way they looked was appropriate for a high school prom. Hence, Oompa Prompa.

I have spent so many ridiculous work hours pouring over this website and recommend you do the same if you ever have the urge to feel better about yourself for brief periods of time.

Favorite hot guy of the moment

I usually go through HGOTM in a matter of days, but this guy has retained his HGOTM title for almost 3 months now. His name is Brodie, I think know he's a porn star and that's fine by me.