An open letter to the snow

Dear Snow,

Suck a fat, green dick.

Thanks,

-David

I could not be more over this shit. I guess the only good to come out of it is the fact that I get to wear my silly gloves. You know, the kind with the cut out fingers/mitten pull-over covers so you can switch it up when you please. It's easy-access at it's finest.

Speaking of easy-access, I was at my physical therapists the other day and he made me strip down to my pink and red-hearted boxers. He puts me in the most awkward positions; positions that definitely do not feel normal if one of you is clothed. Anyway, as he was folding my leg over my chest with my other leg raised high in the air, my junk totally fell out of my boxers in plain view of the doc. I made a really awkward noise, turned red, and then did my best to close up shop. He was thankfully very professional about it, but in a way I was really hoping if I showed him mine he would show me his. He's totally my type; 34, scruffy, stocky, latino. Whatevs, he has my number if he wants to give me a call.

In other news, happy Bush-free America! Now when I read quotes from our president I won't curse like I have tourettes anymore, people were really starting to get concerned. I just couldn't put up with the pure horseshit that came out of GW's mouth. The man has forever tainted the way it feels to be a Texan - now I am ashamed and scared of Texas. On a serious note, I really hope Obama doesn't get assassinated. It would seriously ruin the next four years.

Well... here's to hoping we all get laid this week! HAPPY MONDAY!

Craigslist

Today's lesson of the day is... beware of the wrath of Craigslist. Yes it's convenient, simple to use and when you're really desperate, sometimes it's your only option. Often times though, you end up getting screwed in the booty and not in a good way. Somebody hold me, because I am feeling very raped by CL.

If you're looking for a roommate on CL, make sure during your interview that you cover the important bases:

~are you in a codependent relationship? (chances are if they bring their significant other and/or are text messaging throughout the entire interview, the answer is yes)
~does your significant other bang on your bedroom window at 4AM because you have ignored his phone calls and he is wasted, trying to get your attention?
~does your significant other occasionally meet strippers in bars and bring them to your apartment so they can do drugs?
~do you wake up at 2PM and then spend the majority of the day drinking beer with your significant other while taking up the entire living room area and watching horrible reality TV?
~do you smoke inside even when you live in a house with non-smokers?
~do you ever clean?
~do you sometimes listen to really loud music/TV at 3AM when you are wasted?
~do you have an obnoxious ass cat who pisses on bath mats, rugs, and random clothing items left on the bedroom floor?
~do you set off fire alarms every single time you attempt to cook something, especially at 3AM?

My current roommate does all of the above and it absolutely floors me. Usually you find a roommate who has 1 or 2 irritating habits; you've truly found a rare gem if they embody all of the qualities above. And I thought I was being selective by telling her that I wanted a laid-back roommate who doesn't freak out about anything. Which, by the way, she does, she's emotionally very high-maintenance and has already cried in front of me 4 times in the past month.

Beware of CL and it's seemingly convenient appeal. You may be kicking yourself in the ass a few weeks down the line!

HGOTM forJan 5th

Attention all spank-banks of America: write this hoes name down. Anthony Gallo is one hot piece of pure sex. MMHHMM! I heeeeeard that! I don't know what he does, acting, modeling, etc. and I honestly don't care. Sometimes in pictures his mouth looks like he's making baby gurgle noises but at this stage in my desperation I could give two shits.

Social Median, Twitter, and the Antichrist

Technology is getting freakish. I know people were saying the same thing when calculators and vibrating dildos came along, but seriously the shit that is coming out on the web is beginning to make me think the Antichrist is about to return.

I have a friend who recently paired up with the guy who started up SocialMedian.com and I am totes bewildered. I have an account but I have no idea what the fuck to do with it. Apparently you can get your news filtered through your "networks" but I don't really have any networks online. If the news doesn't come to me by way of DListed, Perez, Xtube, or a drunken Access Hollywood viewing, I'm not going to get it. Sorry world news, I'm too drunk and depressed right now to care about you.

I also got a Twitter account which is basically like notifying people every time you take a shit. Seriously, you can text message Twitter and let them know each and every time you sneeze, shit, barf, individually or all at the same time. Trust me when I say I will be updating everyone if that happens.

Other then that I'm really just trying to drink this winter away. It was going really good until that snow storm hit a few weeks ago and now everytime I step outside, my testicles crawl up into my intestinal tract. I just want to bitch-slap the cold! I did not move to Portland to freeze my nuts off! Speaking of things shriveling up and getting tinier, La Pequena has blessed us with a brand new video! La Pequena Britney Spears! Enjoy the link below...